In a kingdom where the sky's always clear,
With no wars, no famine, no chickenpox.
Once a big-ass wild boar appeared:
Semi-bison, semi-bull, semi-ox.
Their asthmatic king was surly and ill -
Folks would run and hide whenever he sneezed! -
While the beast across the kingdom would kill,
Drag away and eat whomever it pleased.
So one day a declaration is issued:
“The beast must be subdued and stripped of his life!
So whoever shall embark on this mission,
He shall take the princess home as his wife!”
In the meantime, in this land of despair -
Make a left and then cut straight through the wood -
An ex-ranger parties hard in his lair,
Once a hero, later - fired for good.
There you always find a crowd of strangers:
Singing, laughing, drinking brandy from kegs.
Suddenly, the royal guards snatch the ranger.
To the palace of the king he is dragged.
There the king coughs at him: “Listen here!
I don’t care what you do with your life!
By tomorrow, make the beast disappear,
Then the princess you’ll take as your wife!”
“Some reward!” the ranger just winces,
“I would rather get a tub full of gin.
I couldn’t care less about the princess.
With one hand tied I’ll do the beast in!”
But the king retorts: “The argument’s over!
Take the princess, or I will have your head!
After all, by God, she’s my royal daughter!” -
“Kill me now”, the ranger says, “I won’t wed!”
As their argument is raging and fuming,
On the palace door they hear loud knocks:
Fresh from eating every chicken and woman,
There stands that semi-bull, semi-ox.
On the booze the king gives up, and the badass
Slays the beast and then splits with his loot.
That’s how the princess and the king got embarrassed
By the ranger, now fired for good.