Barely off the plane we took our places,
All the pieces set out on the squares.
Cameras were flashing in our faces;
Journos tried to catch us unawares.

No one though at home can drag me under -
Journalists won’t beat me, come what may.
It won’t be my skills that steal his thunder,
Schiffer will be forced to sit and wonder
Where I’ll move and what on earth I’ll play.

Heads it is - he’s got one up on me for
People say he’s great when he plays white.
Schiffer moved his pawn e2 to e4 -
That’s not unfamiliar... Well, all right...

Syeva, it’s your turn - now find your way, son,
Like in the taiga as night fell.
I remember now, the queen’s the main one,
She moves every which way till the game’s won,
While the knights can only make the letter "L".

My mate from the factory was fantastic,
Teaching me to deal the pieces right.
Afterwards they said I played a classic
Opening entirely out of fright.

He’s got queens and castles, knights and bishops
Ready to attack and looking strong;
All my pieces keep on making slip-ups -
When I play my queen she seems to trip up
While my rooks and knights keep going wrong.

I was careful not to go at all wrong;
Longingly I thought about the cook.
I could suss this whole game out before long
If I could get glasses for my rooks.

Schiffer aims to fork me - that’s quite clear now.
He wants food and I could eat a king.
Oh for nibbles, vodka, even beer now -
But while playing we can’t drink a thing.

God, I’m starving! What do you all reckon?
There’s just eggs and coffee here for lunch.
First, the squares seem rounder by the second,
Then I muddle checkers up with check and
Get my kings and queens confused with trumps.

There’s a superstition - sure as fate if
It’s your first game luck should be with you.
I could force his poor king into mate if
I could pile my checkers up in twos.

I’ve been sitting rigid since this fright took
Hold of me but now I must attack.
I’m too scared to try to take his white rook,
It’s too soon to hit him with my right hook -
After all, it’s just the opening match.

Now I see he’s breaking through my frontline -
It’s an ancient Indian kind of wall.
India and Pakistan at one time
Fought like this, I vaguely can recall.

He’s a fool to mess with me - I’ll show him!
I’ve a trick or two to stop him dead.
If he goes and mates me then I’ll throw him
Right across my hip or I’ll KO him,
Giving him my knight move on his head.

I stepped up a gear, sweating and straining -
Up close things looked better than they’d seemed.
In the world of chess a pawn with training
Has the chance to turn into a queen.

Schiffer stooped to dirty tricks, the rascal -
Walks around, then sits back down, then stands.
He proposed to me: "Let’s swap our castles."
Still, it’s no surprise I got him startled -
I bench press one fifty kilograms.

Schiffer then said: "Check!" - my king was stuck and
When I looked at Schiffer’s weedy shape
I revealed my biceps with a shrug and
Even took my jacket off in case.

No one in the hall so much as whispered;
I stood up, his jaw dropped to the floor.
He had more to think about than figures -
In a flash this celebrated Schiffer’d
Gratefully agreed it was a draw.