My, that house where I was - I can’t find it again,
I recall just wallpaper with flowers;
I recall Kate was there with her friend, Ann or Jane -
One of them I would kiss in the shower.
When I woke next day
From the hostess I heard
That last night I would say
But a four-letter word,
That I skipped like a deer,
Shrieking songs, wild and queer,
And I bet that my dad
Had been ranked brigadier!
Then I’d tear my shirt, hit myself in the breast,
And before other guests I was posturing,
And I called them the traitors, and gave them no rest,
With my drunk chords the guests I was torturing.
After seven highballs
I abstained for a while,
But, instead, on the walls
Started pouring red wine;
I got hold of a bat -
Crystal glasses I smashed,
Then a nice coffee set
I threw out in the trash.
They were frightened at first, keeping mum, silly bums,
But at last ‘twas beyond their bearing -
Knocked me down and then with the cord tied my arms
After that they became very daring.
Blows were rather thick,
But to worsen the case
One smart dancer would kick
At my belly and face...
But then suddenly came
A young widow there
Stopping that bloody game,
Saving me from a tear.
So they left me alone, bleeding there on the floor,
And I wheezed out: ”People, I’ll cut this trick!
Let me go, untie me, I’ll drink no more!”
They untied me, but hid all the cutlery.
After I broke free
Sure, my promise I broke,
And I paid them their fee
With a finishing stroke.
As a violent bull
I would hit them and gore -
And I splintered some stool
And unhinged their door.
My, I can’t find that place where we had quite a bust,
I recall just wallpaper with roses;
In the mirror I look at my face with disgust -
Only scratches and bruises compose it!
If this story is true,
And that monster was I -
Out of shame, out of rue
I must lie down and die...
But that widow was
Full of pity and grace -
She forgave me, of course,
Now I live at her place.