I was trying to take the train to Walsall, Standing there on platform number nine, This Mars1 cost me a quid2, But I couldnít give a shit, The sign says the train due in on time. The train to Paddington is just departing, Over there on platform number two, Iím sure itís very nice, But I was out last night, So homeís the only place Iím going to. No sign of my train - thinking, "Oh, shit, itís delayed", Standing there wondering what to do, So I asked a bloke3 In a bright yellow coat, He said, "Sorry, mate4, I havenít got a clue." They reckon that itís sunny down in Devon, In Oxford thereís lots to see and do, Bristolís pretty fine And the train due in on time, But homeís the only place Iím going to. Getting late and now the platformís heaving, With people saying, "Whereís that bloody train?" Then suddenly as one, They all grab their bags and run, The Tannoy5 said the platformís been changed.         The Tannoy manís very apologetic, For any delay he mightíve caused, But, see, I need a wee6, And I ainít got 20p7, So I just hope the train comes before nature calls. They reckon that Skegness is rather chavy8, On Brighton pier chilly winds a-blow, Bathís rather pretty, And Glasgowís pretty shitty, But homeís the only place I wanna go. Delayed again and now Iím bloody seething, Close to breaking down and losing hope, They blame leaves on the line, An attempted suicide, And maintenance to signals that have broke.         I shouldíve took a bus or got a taxi, Man, I couldíve even hitched a lift, By the time weíll be departing I could have rid a penny-farthing9, Anythingíd be better than this. Now they say the train ainít coming, gotta wait for buses, Man I just canít be-bloody-lieve it, Iíve taken all I can, Where itís going I donít give a damn, Iím just getting on the next train that is leaving.
1Mars - a chocolate bar brand name. 2quid - pound (currency). 3bloke - guy. 4mate - buddy. 5Tannoy - a loudspeaker brand name; here: public-address system. 6wee - pee. 720p - 20 pence; here: the cost of using a public pay toilet. 8chavy - low-class. 9penny-farthing - an antique type of bicycle.
© James Barlow. Translation, 2009
© James Barlow. Performance, 2009