I was trying to take the train to Walsall,
Standing there on platform number nine,
This Mars1 cost me a quid2, But I couldn’t give a shit,
The sign says the train due in on time.

The train to Paddington is just departing,
Over there on platform number two,
I’m sure it’s very nice, But I was out last night,
So home’s the only place I’m going to.

No sign of my train - thinking, "Oh, shit, it’s delayed",
Standing there wondering what to do,
So I asked a bloke3 In a bright yellow coat,
He said, "Sorry, mate4, I haven’t got a clue."

They reckon that it’s sunny down in Devon,
In Oxford there’s lots to see and do,
Bristol’s pretty fine And the train due in on time,
But home’s the only place I’m going to.

Getting late and now the platform’s heaving,
With people saying, "Where’s that bloody train?"
Then suddenly as one, They all grab their bags and run,
The Tannoy5 said the platform’s been changed.

 
 
 
 

The Tannoy man’s very apologetic,
For any delay he might’ve caused,
But, see, I need a wee6, And I ain’t got 20p7,
So I just hope the train comes before nature calls.

They reckon that Skegness is rather chavy8,
On Brighton pier chilly winds a-blow,
Bath’s rather pretty, And Glasgow’s pretty shitty,
But home’s the only place I wanna go.

Delayed again and now I’m bloody seething,
Close to breaking down and losing hope,
They blame leaves on the line, An attempted suicide,
And maintenance to signals that have broke.

 
 
 
 

I should’ve took a bus or got a taxi,
Man, I could’ve even hitched a lift,
By the time we’ll be departing I could have rid a penny-farthing9,
Anything’d be better than this.

Now they say the train ain’t coming, gotta wait for buses,
Man I just can’t be-bloody-lieve it,
I’ve taken all I can, Where it’s going I don’t give a damn,
I’m just getting on the next train that is leaving.