Don’t tempt me with concerts or theater plays.
I’m busy. I’ve sworn an oath!
It’s the Final! The match of the season, today.
I’ll be rooting. I’m rooting for both.

Don’t you wake me tomorrow, don’t even try.
No alarms and no sirens! I mean it!
I’m a nut, and nuts crack, so tonight I will die
At the main downtown arena.

After I pass away, won’t you carry my corpse
During stoppage in play - be efficient! -
Through the section 220, then mount a horse,
And ride on, on through the intermission.

Don’t you wake me tomorrow, don’t even try,
With your bells, sirens, howls of hyenas!
I’m sick all the way, and tonight I will die
At the main downtown arena.

When I’m dead, I’m sure no one takes offense:
“Someone snuffed it? That’s fine, it don’t matter!”
Bury me in the central circle, my friends,
Or the six yard box - even better!

Lying under the field, screaming incessantly:
“Will these overpaid bastards deliver?”
And I love how the players run over me,
Like some kind of gargantuan shivers!

Now I savor attacks by my favorite teams,
As both defenses try to recover.
Good thing nobody hears my crazy-ass screams:
“Bite me ref!” one way or another.

In the morning don’t bother with me: I won’t rise
Like that dead Swan Lake ballerina.
I’ve been sick all my life, and tonight I will die
At the main downtown arena.

One more thing: don’t dig deep. Two feet should suffice.
I must know what goes on on the field!
Or I will die again. I’ll be K.I.A. twice!
And my destiny now is sealed.