You will not believe my tale. You may even mock it.
Cosmos, in reality, is scarier than hell!
Tearing through time and space in our rusty rocket
Like sliding on our bare ass downhill.

Earth to Beta takes eleven days
And to Epsilon in hyperspace
Calculations all become a haze.
Eternity and gloom! We’re so depressed
Reading children’s books to decompress.
Surrounded by cosmic emptiness.

Back on earth, we’ve read in science fiction novels
About the possibility of alien life forms.
We left back on earth the Ten Commandment fossils,
Back on earth, we left all social norms!

Earth to Beta takes eleven days
And to Epsilon in hyperspace
Calculations all become a haze.
Eternity and gloom! We’re so depressed
Play videogames to decompress.
Surrounded by cosmic emptiness.

Against all tears and fears, we’ve been vaccinated,
Against all bad infections and the insect stings.
We consider supernovas greatly overrated.
Back on earth, we’ve seen some crazy things!

Earth to Beta takes eleven days
And to Epsilon in hyperspace
Calculations all become a haze.
Eternity and gloom! We’re so depressed
Reading children’s books to decompress.
Surrounded by cosmic emptiness.

We don’t give a damn about derivatives and futures.
We have known solitude in our prison cells.
We received our training on the mighty centrifuges:
Life dragged us to the bottom of the well!

Earth to Beta takes eleven days,
And to Epsilon in hyperspace
Calculations all become a haze.
Eternity and gloom! We’re so depressed
Play videogames to decompress,
Surrounded by cosmic emptiness.

We won’t see the earthly skies, and we do not miss them.
For these egghead scientists assuredly professed:
When we will return to earth and the Solar System
Fifty thousand years will have passed!

That’s a happy thought, for what it’s worth,
Nothing left to fear back on earth!
Earth has reached the Golden Age of men.
We have put our faith in God for this.
Then we saw that He does not exist.
Ever, and forever, and amen.