The seconds, minutes are set forth,
But hearts need verifying:
It is a holiday on Earth -
A day when no one’s dying!

The heaven’s entrance is secured,
The gates of hell are hastily bolted.
No strings attached, it’s all promoted
By higher powers, rest assured.

To keep this day completely deathless,
Old Lady Death was promptly bribed.
They even took away her scythe
And made her drink until she’s legless.

Today, no one shall die at birth,
Nor from old age, nor from ill health,
And also not from shame, insult or fear.
Whoever vanished out of sight,
Will be cold-bloodedly revived -
Without remorse or guilt, their conscience’s clear.

So, if there’s fighting in the ranks,
Must blunt each knife and cutlass!
And if a firing squad, use blanks,
And keep all battles bloodless.

Decrees are issued that forbid
To take a bow to lead that whistles.
So even for the lives of millions
One cannot let himself get killed.

Forget your jealousy and hatred!
You, murderers and thugs, take five!
You may attack, but don’t take life;
When strangle, stop before they flatlined.

It’s pretty simple, all the same:
And even in the devil’s name
No man will draw the dagger from its scabbard.
And for the triumph of what’s best
No one will take an endless rest,
A hangman won’t spill blood upon the scaffold.

You, suicides of little use,
Give up your senseless follies!
For liberation from the noose
Won’t let you join the holies.

You look ridiculous to us,
You self-indulgent wimps and cowards!
Misfortunes, troubles, and discomforts
Are now abolished all at once!

And don’t you dare to swallow poisons,
To shoot yourself, to cut your wrists.
Don’t try to climb on window stills,
You block the light that one rejoices!

We’ll take you all out of the noose,
We’ll roll you in the dust unloosed,
Still breathing, lukewarm, in your sleeping garments.
An order came to live for once!
Where will you go to hide from us?
There is no welcome day in Eden Gardens.

A hundred bonfires shall be lit:
To warm our backs, but not to lick them.
Untold catastrophes will hit,
But all without a single victim.

And, finishing all food and booze,
No one will burst from overeating.
When gunshots come instead of greetings,
One falls, but only for a ruse.

The endless gloom and dreadful cancer
Will creep into a freezing cell.
All pain will be replaced as well
By tons of laughter, fun, and banter!

So nothing can stand in our way -
To live our lives, to breathe, to pray.
We’re waiting for this day in joyful languor.
For downcasts in a mental ward,
Straightjackets serve as a reward:
A special celebration in a bedlam...